HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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