i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
