If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
