im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
