Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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