I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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