I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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