im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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