only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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