im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
