She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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