Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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