wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
