Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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