he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
