Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I got inside last night via doggy door
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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