maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
