If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
