we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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