I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
