How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
