I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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