ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
