Ambien. No doubt about it.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
