honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
