I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
