we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
