she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
