my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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