Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
