i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
God I need to hump something, right now.
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