Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
