I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize