She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
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It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize