Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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