he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
