I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
