I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
