You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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