Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
