Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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