maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We don't watch enough power rangers
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
