i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
