I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
