Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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