i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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