It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
