you lied. pity sex is amazing.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
