You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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