The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
