When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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