Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?