my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.