So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
