I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
